Total 180

All week I’ve had flashbacks of running through the woods.  They were all good memories.  I felt strong and agile and appreciative of having that time in nature.  I remember passing other runners on the path when I dared to be a little more brave and a little more reckless.  I remember moving with the earth as the ground took me around the twists and turns, the slips and stumbles. I remember spending every ounce of energy being so focused on each step. I remember picking people ahead of me and working my way to catch up.  I remember the sunlight breaking through the trees and highlighting the colors of leaves, roots, and rocks.  I remember feeling so tough and so powerful and so impressed with myself when it was all over.  All week I’ve held onto these feelings.

Until today… Today I was at TJ Maxx with my two older children. I was searching for a pink tank top to wear to tonight’s fundraiser event at CrossFit Fidelity, Barbells for Boobs.  I came across this shirt in the clearance section.

Supergirl-Under-Armour-Long-Sleeve-Shirt-e1427720456698
I didn’t take a picture of it when I was there so I had to find it online; picture courtesy of www.thlog.com

I fell in love with it. I stared at it a long time. I touched it and ran the sleeve through my hand. I picked it up to inspect it and as I held it up I heard my daughter say, “Mom, you HAVE to get that.”  I looked at her and smiled.  But what happened next surprised me in a sad way.  Even though I had felt like Supergirl all week, what came out of my mouth next was so disappointing.

“No, I don’t think I can. I don’t feel good enough to wear something like this.”

“What?! Mom. You ran a marathon. You just did a half marathon of, of, of all trails. You go to CrossFit…..” My son then chimed in “Yeah, mom. Get it.”

Embarrassed, I said “I don’t want people to think I’m better than I really am.”

They couldn’t believe that was my response to them. I couldn’t believe that was my response to them.  Right now as I sit here typing this I can’t believe I didn’t feel worthy to wear that Supergirl shirt.  I don’t know if that was a good dose of humility or if it was really insecurity, but I put the shirt back.  And now I regret it.

While it felt so good to hear my children list my recent accomplishments in an excited kind of way, I came home and wondered where all my confidence had gone.  Where is the girl that was so impressed with herself just one week ago? Today I went against everything I’ve been teaching my family: you are and always will be good enough;  you are and always will be worthy; you are strong and smart and proud; take risks and do scary things, that’s where the rewards are; be confident in who you are and what you love.

So what did I teach them today?

-Mama K

About Soleful Mamas

Powered by sunshine and friendship, Soleful Mamas is half support group/half running club. Our tribe is committed to empowering women of all ages and abilities one mile at a time. We are committed to inspiring those around us to live stronger, healthier, and more confident lives through the power of running and adventure experiences. We’d love for you to join us!

We want all Mamas to know that as you blaze your trail of awesomeness, we’re with you every step of the way!

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