I want my active life BACK!!! I want all activities I took for granted back!!
I want to get up crazy early and go to crossfit even when I don’t feel like it, even when the workout is going to suck. I want to show up and see my friends. I want to show up for them but also for me. I want to suck at burpees and laugh at my floppies (ok I want to be embarrassed by my floppies and desperately want them to look like Loretta’s effortless Pavie’s at the end of the Ragnar). I want to sweat horribly and need a towel during crossfit. I want to run 2nd Street before crossfit with lights on and have John say we look like Christmas trees. I want Lisa to roll her eyes at me when I continue to harass her about joining in on one of our runs, but hoping she really will one of these days. I want to pull up to crossfit and see Jane’s van and remember sleeping in the back seat during the unending rain of Ragnar when I just couldn’t bear the thought of going back into the drenched tent. I want to give Brett that look when he wants to take my place on the rower when he knows he’s much fast than me. I want to hide in the back for yet another one of Candice’s pictures, but cherish looking back on all of those sweaty smiles and the memories of each of those workouts. I want to have a PR (personal record) knowing that I put the time in and I was getting stronger. I want to laugh when Jaime asks Loretta to explain the WOD one more time and Loretta patiently does 5 more times. Then Jaime absolutely crushes it like it a BOSS! I was to laugh when Jane hits her head on the pull up bar and John just can’t understand how she did that which just makes that even funnier. I want to see Maureen’s smile and have her ask thoughtfully about everything you talked about last time because she really cared, remembered, and wants to know. I want to hear loud music with lots of curse words (MoFo Beast, anyone?). I want to feel the pain of being part of squad zeordarkthirty.
I want to run (well my intervals). I want to go further distances and have it suck while doing it, but feel amazing when it’s done. I want to plan group runs, show up and do the work. I want to spend 20 miles chatting with Jaime while she complains every step of the way. I want to talk about my week. I want to meet with Jane and Gina and watch them run off like gazelles. I want to get to race day with the Amazing Amanda who can kill most every race without needing much training at all. I want feel like a runner.
I want to be able to walk outside without feeling nauseous when the sun, the wind or the darkness make me feel sick. I want to be with more than 1 person at a time and not feel confused and disoriented. I want to have a conversation about ANYTHING BUT ME, but yet I want you to understand why I’m not me anymore. I’m still in here somewhere. . . . I’d love to come out. . . .
Although I have all of these wants that I know I can’t have, I do have HOPE, DETERMINATION, STRENGTH.
Join me on this continuing journey next week!
One step at a time,